nicks page has some shit about christmas where he updates it everyday and talks about chirstmas. what the hell. my page is better though so i just do my chistmas thing now.
i celebrate christmas differently than white people and black people. i also have a different calendar. here is a guide to celebrating christmas.
12th day of christmas - take a big magic marker and start tagging up police cars with christmas trees and stuff makin them festive and then dress upp like beetlejuice and deliver presents to the cops.
11th day of christmas - kwanzaa day. celebrate kwanzaa with asian businessmen who are in america on said business, then show them a good time by playing russian roulette.
10th day of christmas - santa wizard day. every one of your friends will give you a generic statue of a wizard that may or may not be santa (he's got a wand and he's skinny, but hes in a red suit with white trim and he has a gandalf beard). you have to then decide wether it will serve as a santa figurine and be the centerpiece during christmas dinner, or if he is a year long decaration to celebrate your love of wizards. also, there are fireworks embedded in his eyes that go off sometimes and wake you up.
9th day of christmas - deliver holiday cheer to prison inmates in the form of codoms full of cocaine shot through the plumbing system. then, later, go driving along train tracks (watch our for trains, though!!)
8th day of christmas - Longranger xr5: my aunt is bitching about how i have so much stuff because i havent unpacked and i was just like hey get off my back woman im trying to take a hit then i took a hit
7th day of chirstmas - miracle of birth day. today we celebrate hannukah and the miracle of birth. everything must have a baby. for instance, if you have a menorah, there must me a little, baby menorah next to it. if your hosue has a door, there must be a little, baby door next to it. the only thing that cannot have a baby is fire, because little fire = useless. it doens't even burn too much.
6th day of christmas - today, as you are reaching for your gun, be sure to accidentally set it off while it is still in the holster, and shoot yourself in the foot.
5th day of christmas - today we decide, once and for all, which is better. baseball bats or bats. next year, we will decide again. we must always come to the same decision
4th day of christmas - at the diner they have free eggs today, but they dont advertise it. also, to show humility, one of the qualities of christmas spirit, you must wear a pair of filthy gloves.
3rd day of christmas - open presents today.
2nd day of christmas - brazil day. celebrate the world cup and the cultures and rich heritage of brazil. also look at pictures of the rain forest. also get a 50 foot amplifier and blast "cop killer" at birthday parties that happen today in your neighborhood.
1stday of chirstmas - home economics day. to celebrate chirstmas learn home economics like sewing and cooking and baking. also, find a school that still offers woodshop (like in the woder years) and then ask them if they really think they need to be paying for A) The salary of the woodshop teacher B) the cost of tools and supplies and C) the insurance for having a woodshop in school. then, when they realize their folly and fire the teacher, rescue him before he gets too down on himself and take him and set him up with his dream job -- a stock car racer. it's a christmas miracle!!
posted by RJ at 1:05 AM
sorry i havent been updating i was in nebraska.
heres some good ideas i had there:
elvis skeleton - dancing reproduction of elvis' dead skeleton that is a christmas decoration, and it sings journey songs. wears santa hat, but delivers infinite torment rather than presents.
ice scream beam cream - ice cream that tastes reallly really good but its really bad for you, because every bite it shoots a burning beam of magma into your throat.
bamboo shoes - shoes with sharp bamboo pieces in the inside of the soles that stabs your foot when you walk. promotes burning of fossil fuels and more driving.
red coffin - flashy red painted coffin that you dont bury but hook up to the grill of your car when you die and then you go in it and other people drive your car with you all in front.
chicken mine cart - mine cart you fill up with chickens, and then send the chickens to other folks via mine cart
basket monkeys - ????????
posted by RJ at 11:10 PM
ways my dorm, pine hall, could be much more evil:
Spine Hall - change the sign outside by simply putting at S in front of it.
Skelevator - its a giant ribcage that opens up, and then you get inside and you shoot up the spine.
scarewell - its the stairs, but they're painted black. kinda creepy.
pro-ghost - like the provost but he kills you instead of working.
the ghoul store - like the school store, but they only sell bones and pointy sticks.
posted by RJ at 1:27 PM 