Commercial Report Card for February, 2003.

Best buy spiderman propaganda - the commercial starts with a harmless clip from the spiderman videogame. suddenly the poor-mans Bernie Mac slides down from the top of the screen. the rest of the commercial sounds like this "HEY SPIDERMAN, WHATS SWINGING SPIDERMAN? GET IT SPIDERMAN, I SAID WHATS SWINING, LIKE YOU SWINING ON WEBS SPIDERMAN! THERE YOU GO SPIDERMAN! SAVING THE DAY SPIDERMAN! GETTIN THE GIRL, SPIDERMAN! NOT LIKE ME, SPIDERMAN! YO SPIDERMAN, WHERE YOU GOING SPIDERMAN!". The words spider and man are said much more in these 30 seconds than they should have been in 30 years. then at the end, we learn that the loud, stereotypical funny black man was actually in best buy screaming at a video game screen. where the fuck did this take place? the Union best buy on 22?
Grade: D

depression medicine cartoon - it may have been for paxil. it could have been for diflucan. i don't know, all the medicines sound the same, and they all have the same side effects. this commercial could have been for tranforma-voltron-ican for all i care. all the matters is there's a poorly drawn circle with eyes and a mouth. this circle used to be interested in things like the outside, and butterflies. now, circley is depressed. he lives in a cave and it rains all the time. through a diagram that vaguely resembles something obscene, we learn that circley has a chemical imbalance. but the medicine fixes him up, and then he can play with butterflies again. also, the rain goes away, showing that circley was also schizophrenic, and there was no rain.
i swear to god, this cartoon has more problems than any cartoon should EVER have. most cartoons are concerned with falling off cliffs and shit, but he's got severe depression and schizophrenia. poor guy.
Grade: A. This commercial used to be around, but when it went away I was depressed myself. the return of the circle into my life has made me okay again.

Mcdonalds commercials - McDonalds has to cater to every single ethnic group... but not in one commercial. in 6 or 7. so this is divided into two categories this time.
The White Commercial - A white woman walks into a mcdonalds, and the worker asks if she wants to add a parfait to her order for only a dollar... and she FLIPS THE FUCK OUT. This is supposed to make me hungry or something?
Grade: F
The Black Commercial - A bunch of hip young inner-city residents are sitting around at a table, using horribly forced slang like "Yo, you got any eats?". They don't... so they do what any normal hip-hop fans would: scream "ANTE UP" (wtf??) and pull money out of their pocket. More forced slang like "Dat aint a lot of loot". Then its off to mcdonalds, to buy some parfaits. then he brings the parfait back and goes "parfait si vous plait" and everyone is confused.
I don't know what im more embarassed about... the fact that McDonalds has to make segregated commercials, or should I be embarrassed FOR the people the second commercial thinks they're catering to.
Grade: F

Bowflex - Shots of people working out, then this song kicks in. the words go like "gonna make you horny/ you rock my body/ what a lovely body/ gonna make you want it." makes me cringe. this commercial makes me want to be out of shape, just so i dont have to associate myself with this song.
Grade: C

Burger king cowboys - mcdonalds already monopolizes the black and white people demographics, so BK had to turn to a completely different group to market to: COWBOYS. now they have grizzled old men sitting around a fire talking about how "everything tastes better cooked on fire." WISDOM, folks, WISDOM OF THE GODS. if it's good enough for cavemen and cowboys, its good enough for me.
Grade: A

Excedrin arguments - excedrin always loses out to tylenol, i guess, so now they scare us into buying excedrin. these commercials consist of a grizzled actor incessantly glaring into the camera, saying something like "I was in traffic and i needed to get rid of my headache. tylenol didnt work. i will never ever use tylenol again. dont you dare even mention tylenol." and he grumbles this shit for like two minutes, then it always ends with an innapproriately bad joke like "well excedrin gets rid of headaches... too bad it cant get rid of asian drivers so there would be no more traffic".
Grade: F

COMMERCIAL OF THE MONTH
ridiculous insurance - here's a runthrough of the commercial (If you think you can't make sense of it just because i'm typing it... trust me, this commercial is even more cryptic on TV). two old women are sitting in a vegas wedding chapel talking about insurance. suddenly it cuts to a shot of their feet, with the camera darting around on the floor. then back to a steady shot of them talking about insurance. then another shot of their feet and the legs of chairs, as the camera runs around on the floor. then, cut to a scene of a duck sitting at a table, watching wayne newton sing. the camera cuts down to the duck tapping his feet. end.
WHAT THE FUCK???
GRADE: A +

IN CONCLUSION: i miss mentos commercials

posted by RJ at 6:15 PM