A EULOGY FOR MR. SOGGY JACKOLANTERN

I can't be mad. Sure, Mr. Soggy Jackolantern made my entire room smell like cheese served out of Andre the Giant's dirty briefs, but I can not blame him. I had just grown so accustomed to him... seeing him there smiling at me every morning as I brushed my teeth. Seeing his shining face every night as I looked above the mirror. Mr. Lackolantern was good to have around.

He was long past his date, however, and I cannot mourn. We all saw this coming, ever since september 16th, when Mr. Soggy Jackolantern's time officially expired. However, today, on November 7th, it still came as a shock and surprise.

At first we thought it was the smell of the sewer backing up through our drains... no... that's unheard of. Then it hit me... "Mr. Soggy! NO!" But by this time, it was too late.

And so we must bid farewell. Don't be angry with Mr. Soggy Lackolantern... the way I see it, it's as if my son lost a little league game. You can't be mad at him for that. You are still proud -- just disappointed. That is how I feel towards Mr. Soggy Jackolantern today. Rest in peace, old boy.

-RJ, 11.7.2003

Note: Mr. Soggy Jackolantern was a half gallon of milk we kept in our bathroom. He had expired September 16th. On November 7th, he somehow began to leak, and caused our bathroom to have, quote, "The worst smell I'll possibly ever smell. EVER." Upon smelling the remains of Mr. Soggy, I proceeded to gag, and vomit twice. People described it as "dead bodies". I, however, stand by my original thought of "Incredibly old cheese", which is what lead me to realize Mr. Jackolantern was responsible for the smell in the first place. Milk = Cheese, no? Anyway...
posted by RJ at 9:25 PM