i am not jack.com |
Saturday, November 15, 2003
While I can't complain about ANYTHING that had Dracula, A Ghost, or Frankenstein as their mascot, I CAN feel uneasy knowing that the mascot for my cereal was once alive and well, but now is undead.
Seriously, Count Chocula, Frankenberry and Boo Berry... what did they look like when they were alive? I don't like to think about this too much. Just be glad we didn't see them originally. Imagine if fruity pebbles came out with Zombie Fred. THat would make you uncomfortable, wouldn't it??
New holiday announcement:
SonicBloomRJ: ANNOUNCEMENT Fade2Black21584: ... SonicBloomRJ: Tommorow is national Pria Davis-Spratley day. Fade2Black21584: LOL Fade2Black21584: why SonicBloomRJ: Everyone must dress like Pria Davis-Spratley SonicBloomRJ: And kiss Matt Kurupka SonicBloomRJ: I went to CVS and they already had cards for the occasion SonicBloomRJ: You in? Fade2Black21584: hell yeah Fade2Black21584: did you find a matt k look alike SonicBloomRJ: It has to be the actual matt Fade2Black21584: ok Fade2Black21584: did you invit here here Fade2Black21584: him SonicBloomRJ: No. But he knows about the holiday I'm sure -- he must own a calendar Thursday, November 13, 2003
LESSON IN MATH AND LOGIC:
Distance from Philadelphia to JFK Airport: 111 miles Cab fares from PHL TAXI in Philadelphia (Philly to JFK: $200 Miles between Philadelphia and Los Angeles: 2715 miles Cost of a cab from Philadelphia to Los Angeles, according to PHL TAXI rates: $4891 Question raised by these numbers: HOW DID WILL SMITH TAKE A CAB FROM PHILADELPHIA TO BEL AIR!? It was obviously not the most efficient way to travel, nor was it the most reasonable or comfortable. Did they sleep in the cab on the ride? The intro to Fresh Prince is a lie. Wednesday, November 12, 2003
At ramapo, they give you instructions in the cafeteria. Here are the instructions, verbatim.
Birch Tree Inn Tonight we're serving Beef + Chicken Fajita. huh!! yes, were where are the Tortillas?! Just ahead warming up. Get it, come back and prepare your fajita to your taste, and don't forget to go forward again, No!! not for the pizza, but the tortilla topping which is just ahead of the tortillas. Monday, November 10, 2003
MY NEW THOUGHTS ON THE WORLD:
WE SIMPLY CANNOT WIN Why did I come to this conclusion? Cause when the fuck can we rest!? Seriously, SOAP cleans stuff, but then it leaves SOAP SCUM. I feel like Sisyphus or something. Do we live in a hamster wheel? Why does our shower appear dirty as a direct result of the use of soap, an object universally accepted to CLEAN things. I give up. Sunday, November 09, 2003
I am an advocate of cloning dinosaurs. Not to be bred and studied, but rather, so that we can clone them and kill them in order to hear what their death screams sound like. That way, when we say "it sounds like a dying pterodactyl!", we'll actually have a basis for this statement. That is why we should clone dinosaurs. And babies. But those are for armies, not for death screams.
p.s. I also advocate drunk driving, throat cancer, and the electric car. Friday, November 07, 2003
A EULOGY FOR MR. SOGGY JACKOLANTERN
I can't be mad. Sure, Mr. Soggy Jackolantern made my entire room smell like cheese served out of Andre the Giant's dirty briefs, but I can not blame him. I had just grown so accustomed to him... seeing him there smiling at me every morning as I brushed my teeth. Seeing his shining face every night as I looked above the mirror. Mr. Lackolantern was good to have around. He was long past his date, however, and I cannot mourn. We all saw this coming, ever since september 16th, when Mr. Soggy Jackolantern's time officially expired. However, today, on November 7th, it still came as a shock and surprise. At first we thought it was the smell of the sewer backing up through our drains... no... that's unheard of. Then it hit me... "Mr. Soggy! NO!" But by this time, it was too late. And so we must bid farewell. Don't be angry with Mr. Soggy Lackolantern... the way I see it, it's as if my son lost a little league game. You can't be mad at him for that. You are still proud -- just disappointed. That is how I feel towards Mr. Soggy Jackolantern today. Rest in peace, old boy. -RJ, 11.7.2003 Note: Mr. Soggy Jackolantern was a half gallon of milk we kept in our bathroom. He had expired September 16th. On November 7th, he somehow began to leak, and caused our bathroom to have, quote, "The worst smell I'll possibly ever smell. EVER." Upon smelling the remains of Mr. Soggy, I proceeded to gag, and vomit twice. People described it as "dead bodies". I, however, stand by my original thought of "Incredibly old cheese", which is what lead me to realize Mr. Jackolantern was responsible for the smell in the first place. Milk = Cheese, no? Anyway... Sunday, September 21, 2003
kifo3618: haha
SonicBloomRJ: he SonicBloomRJ: HE SonicBloomRJ: i wannnnt late nytte kifo3618: me three SonicBloomRJ: whos four kifo3618: whoever SonicBloomRJ: can poppy come kifo3618: yes and grammy SonicBloomRJ: what about popop kifo3618: yea and mom mom SonicBloomRJ: and dada kifo3618: yea and grandma SonicBloomRJ: and mima? kifo3618: yea and gram SonicBloomRJ: and nono? kifo3618: and papito SonicBloomRJ: and mescalito? kifo3618: and gramalamading dong SonicBloomRJ: and papawaka chou chou? kifo3618: and daddy dakka SonicBloomRJ: and Delixir Falanx? kifo3618: and heinz einstein SonicBloomRJ: and Delictush Sexplocius kifo3618: and poop mcscoop SonicBloomRJ: and Beachbob Roundshirt? kifo3618: and steve beegee SonicBloomRJ: and pope redsnap? kifo3618: and birdfight williams SonicBloomRJ: and facetious madchester? kifo3618: and totem paul SonicBloomRJ: and frumpy frannie? kifo3618: and mr. skip o'diaper SonicBloomRJ: and Ron Tertagular? kifo3618: and peter allsop SonicBloomRJ: and Aesop Jones kifo3618: and shit burlington SonicBloomRJ: and fuckass shutthefuckup kifo3618: and caucasian motherfucker kifo3618: when are we going ...if all these people are going we better roind them up soon SonicBloomRJ: Wow, you ended our game SonicBloomRJ: i think i hate you kifo3618: im sorry kifo3618: but i want my baba kifo3618: i mean latenight Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Weird shit I remember:
1. I was walking down the street sometime in 1998, and I looked down the road and saw something glowing coming at me. The thing got closer, and I could tell it was a jackolantern. This was in september. A few more feet, and I realized it was Pat, cradling a jackolantern between his hands, holding it in front of him as he walked down the street. He said "I just thought it would be a good job to carry a jackolantern with me everywhere I go." Then it started to smell, so he got rid of it. 2. This kid's dad cornered me and drew once at the bathroom at trailside and told us a story. It went something like this: So this guy is like whassup im like nothin just peeing over here and the guy he keeps talking to me and i go hey did you hear about the guy who got knocked through three walls and the cops came? This guy got knocked through three walls and the police arrived and he said im sorry officer, but that man spit on me i had to knock him through three walls. that way I won't be the fairy queen. you know those fairy queen hats? I would wear one... and I DON'T sell Ice Cream! Thursday, July 31, 2003
Security report from the library. Spelling, Grammar, Punctuation, etc. errors are all Thurman's, not mine.
A MaN NaMe ANdrew was Resquested For aN aBbulnace he said ThaT his Left Leg was bothering him Then s/o Thurman called 911 at 4:40PM, Then They RespoNded 4:40 and Took him to TriniTas. he look like he was ToXicaTed, ambulnace Left at 4:55pm All is Secured. Submitted By: Grayer Thurman. Wednesday, May 21, 2003
new chipper stax report card availability: Not available in roselle park. had to go to elizabeth. presentation: the canister. long live the canister. its the only beef jerky treated like a hazmat. the chipper mascot is gone (he was a dude with a bad haircut who smiled a little and had a look in his eyes like "hey kids have some poison!"). they were in a box that made them stand up. there was only one taken. i took one. price: fuckin expensive texture: here's where mr. chipper loses lots of points. theyre not stacks. what the fuck... they're chipper stacks but theyre just little chunks! CHUNKS! who is responsible for this! get me mr. chipper on the phone! This is an outrage! also, they're gummy! taste: WTF! TASTES LIKE LITTLE BITS OF GUMMY DOG FOOD! Overall: i should have known i was getting into something bad when I knew the person who bought the only other chipper canister they had sold. why would anyone enjoy this shit?? why did they go and fuck with a winning formula?? I miss chipper stacks!! hhdfjdgs! GRADE: C- Tuesday, May 20, 2003
UPSETTING IM CONVERSATIONS HAD ON KELLYS COMPUTER VOLUME 1:
Conversation #1 Time: Now People: Me, Drew Topic: Batman, Tone Loc, Black Tar Heroin ------------------------------------ KeLz84: drew its rj youre a dead man GlassEater00: i'm gonna cut your fuckin throat KeLz84: im gonna kill you in your sleep KeLz84: murder KeLz84: im donkey kong and youre the barrel bitch GlassEater00: what the hell, walter s. and nick t.? KeLz84: i dont question these things GlassEater00: you know pat is coming back next week? KeLz84: yes KeLz84: weve got a liter of vodka here KeLz84: should we drink it? GlassEater00: DOWN IT!!! KeLz84: kelly wont chug it shes being a bitch GlassEater00: that's really fucked up KeLz84: i know KeLz84: we mixed it with some juice or something idk whats going on realy GlassEater00: well just suck it down KeLz84: i changed my major GlassEater00: to what? KeLz84: Batman studies GlassEater00: if i study Joker Studies then we can be arche enemies KeLz84: uhhh which joker? KeLz84: cesar romero from the 60s? KeLz84: cause he was really gay. GlassEater00: only jack KeLz84: acceptable. KeLz84: i only study in Michael Keaton KeLz84: because jim morrison made a shitty batman GlassEater00: what's the matter, adam west too good for ya? KeLz84: adam west had a beer belly and talked too slow KeLz84: also he took 10 minutes to climb down a ladder GlassEater00: yea..he was a true hero KeLz84: we never really noticed that, but watching it the other day, we noticed that when he went down the bat-ladder, he took 10 minutes GlassEater00: "somedays you just can't get rid of a bomb" GlassEater00: that was classic batman GlassEater00: the way it should be KeLz84: who would win, batman or spiderman GlassEater00: when superheros just looked like weirdos in tights GlassEater00: now which batman are we talkin about? KeLz84: THE batman KeLz84: the central figure all characters were based on KeLz84: the comic version GlassEater00: that's a tough choice KeLz84: no way KeLz84: its easy for me KeLz84: batman would annihalate spiderman GlassEater00: yea..peter parker's a little bitch GlassEater00: but they're both fighting the axis of evil so how would that battle even come up? KeLz84: hey man, it just happens. batman and superman have fought FOUR times KeLz84: and you know who won every time? BATMAN GlassEater00: you know why? cause superman wore his underpants on the outside like a little bitch GlassEater00: plus batman was a true American and not from some faggetty planet with marlon brando KeLz84: exactly. and he was the greatest detective in the world KeLz84: nobody stood a chance against him cause he already knew their weaknesses GlassEater00: but the real genius behind him was alfred? GlassEater00: he was the man KeLz84: Batman didnt have no alfred KeLz84: I mean, superman KeLz84: or spiderman KeLz84: we gotta watch batman when i come home GlassEater00: but the original KeLz84: thats what i mean KeLz84: batman: the movie GlassEater00: hell yea KeLz84: and we gotta listen to funky cold medina GlassEater00: whatever that is...we'll do that KeLz84: the tone loc song GlassEater00: cool KeLz84: and were gonna draw pictures of trucks KeLz84: and when we write our names on them KeLz84: yours is gonna say "i DREW this picture of a truck" KeLz84: ok? GlassEater00: tha'ts genius KeLz84: Wanna join my booster club team? GlassEater00: why not KeLz84: we went to the world tonite, speaking of dudes doing it in the butt GlassEater00: er? GlassEater00: lox the cat is back and he's better than ever KeLz84: what? KeLz84: no hes not KeLz84: now he's a junkie GlassEater00: tha'ts why he's better than ever KeLz84: hes gonna hook me up with some BT heroin KeLz84: BLACK TAR GlassEater00: good KeLz84: no itd bad for you shhhh GlassEater00: it's fuckin medicine GlassEater00: rj? KeLz84: im about to vomit man KeLz84: what GlassEater00: what the fuck have we been talkin about for the past fiveminutes? KeLz84: i have no idea man. kelly said we should put this on my webpage cause its fuckin ridiculous GlassEater00: it really is CONVERSATION #2 When: Month ago Who: Kelly, Kirby Topic: ???? ----------------------------------------- KeLz84: opooop kifo3618: wooooooooooooooooooooo kifo3618: i love pooooo KeLz84: hahhahahahhahahahhah kifo3618: hehheahahhaahahahhohohohohoh KeLz84: ;kiiiiiiiirrrrby farrrrrrrrrrted kifo3618: hahahahahahahaha kifo3618: thjat was like last year mannnnnnnnn KeLz84: hahhyuahahhahahha KeLz84: hahhhahhahah KeLz84: vagina kifo3618: peis kifo3618: pisnie kifo3618: penis KeLz84: PENIS kifo3618: papapapapapapa kifo3618: penisssssssssszzzzzzzzzzzzzz KeLz84: PENIS WITH A Z!!!!!!! EXTROIDINARY kifo3618: hahahahahahahahahaha KeLz84: ooooooooooooooooooooooh man kifo3618: what are u guys doinnnnnnnnnnn KeLz84: nooooooooooooooooothjing KeLz84: i have comfy pants on kifo3618: ohhhh KeLz84: what are you gfuys doin kifo3618: i have jeans onnnnnnnn kifo3618: chillin and killin KeLz84: oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo KeLz84: i kill asian chicks kifo3618: hahahahahahahaa KeLz84: jhhahahah not really kifo3618: omg me toooooooo KeLz84: hahhahaha KeLz84: i'm laughing by myself kifo3618: its okkkkkkkkkk KeLz84: i hope no one's homwe kifo3618: i laugh al;ot kifo3618: haha kifo3618: wheres ur housekeeper KeLz84: in cuba kifo3618: dude mines in arabia KeLz84: whoa man KeLz84: that's better than shakira from cuba kifo3618: i hate that bitch ill kill her witgh my claw KeLz84: hahahhahahahahhahaha KeLz84: you dance with shakira kifo3618: yup KeLz84: woes yuour butler kifo3618: he is in germany KeLz84: dancung KeLz84: to house musik kifo3618: yeaaaaaaaaaaaa KeLz84: with a k KeLz84: i was born and raised uin west philidelphia, but my mom made me go to bel aire to live with my auntie and uncle kifo3618: hlololololololol KeLz84: so i have a butler i can't remember huis name kifo3618: what up fresh princess KeLz84: oh yea]' -fin Monday, May 12, 2003
creepy Jorge Estrada memory #753 Eighth Grade. Witnessed by: Me, Drew, Pat. 9 AM Jorge walked into home room and he was carrying a black bird. It didnt take long to realize that jorge was carrying a dead bird. we all asked him what the hell he was doing with a dead bird. his only answer would be "It's Paulie.". Why is it paulie, jorge? "cause paulie is better than polly." jorge said all this with a completely deadpan straight face... he was almost frowning. he kept petting it and saying he "wanted to know how he died.". i forget what else happened. this story is true. -rj Saturday, April 26, 2003
bad situations you to can find yourself caught in, just like i have.
entemanns - you might be excited because they sell munchkins in the supermarket. but if they're called "popems" or "donut holes", you know you're seriously in DEEP SHIT. they taste like little dough balls and make you throw up. dont buy anything labeled entemanns. this is a bad situation. fake halloween - kids, halloween lasts ONE day. always remember this. therefore, if it is november 2nd, you are drunk on the streets of boston at 2am, and you see a man on the street dressed like a construction worker... don't assume he's dressed like one of the village people. more importantly, don't voice your approval of his costume to him. he will respond with "yeah real fucking funny, asshole" and be all pissed off and MAYBE wanting to kick your ass. this is a bad situation. vietnam is not funny - if it's the weekend of rolling thunder, and you're in the DC area, you will see lots of bikers. many of these bikers are vietnam veterans. many of these bikers go to the vietnam memorial, and usually get very emotional. i was 13 at the time. drew had just bought a book at the washington monument gift shop (yeah there's a gift shop in that thing). the book had a picture of a baby riding a goat. drew showed me this picture right before we went to the vietnam memorial where all the bikers were. we cracked up for about 10 minutes, and then someone told us "you better cut that out ebcause if those bikers see you laughing they'll kick your ass". we walked by all the crying bikers, and drew and i were holding back laughter. then we laughed a little. bad bad situation. going to the elizabeth mall - being at the elizabeth mall is always a bad situation no matter what you're doing there. last time i went a lady bumped into me and then threatened my life, and some marines tried to recruit me jorge and max. i'm a college kid... can't we just wait until the draft man, leave me alone. meeting doors - you may think its a good diea to go get ray manzerek's autograph -- its not. because ray manzarek likes to sign autographs at porn conventions, for about 20 dollars a pop. also, if you bring him a picture of him and the rest of the band, he will get pissy and sign over jim morrisons face. fuckin asshole. now i'm at a porn convention for nothing. fuck ray manzerek. you have no excuse - a few years ago back in high school, steph and i were throwing rocks at the scoreboard by our track. some jackass saw us and took us to the principal. we were clearly throwing rocks at the scoreboard, we had no excuse. fuck hagan. being white - if you're white, don't drive your car, because there is always a chance you can make a wrong turn and end up in irvington. tim mulroy made a wrong turn and ended up on a dead end in irvington. a cop stopped us, and informed us that we were "three fucking white kids in the middle of the highest drug trafficking area in NJ and you expect me to believe that you made a wrong turn!?" he told us that "The haitians were on one side of the street and the africans were on the other side and you're in the middle, you should be shot." the cop was hispanic. i still cant decide if he was more prejudiced agains black people or white people. uh oh - cinco de mayo falls on a monday this year so you have to have a party a week earlier on a saturday. enter taco-fest 2000, or "night of 2000 tacos". invite everyone you know. then, realize there's no way you can provide ONE taco, let alone 2000. Thursday, April 17, 2003
Chapter 6 in the 10 chapter book i had to write last semester.
Greco carpet cleaning is hell on earth. I am convinced of this. I’m not entirely sure why. I’ll never have a job as ridiculous as that one. I’ll never have a job with as many friends as I did with that one. But it was hell, nonetheless. My friend Drew got me the job. He had been working there for a while, and always would talk about how boring it was. I don’t remember exactly how I went about it, but I ended up working there. I would eventually be fired as well. But for three months, I found myself at Greco Carpet Cleaning three nights a week. Telemarketing. That’s what I was supposed to do. My job was to basically lie to, plead with, and coax people into getting their carpets cleaned by one of our “truck mounted 100-horsepowered steam cleaners”. Of course, by the time you get to the point where someone may be interested in getting the job done, you’re speaking so fast that the line comes out as a “horse-mounted truck-powered steam cleaner.” Telemarketing. They actually said to me “you’re the enemy now” when I was hired. No one likes a telemarketer… especially a 17 year old one who doesn’t care if he puts his company out of business. Prank calls. That’s basically what it boiled down to. Supervision was very lax. Whatever we wanted to say to the customers, we did. The only thing we gave up was our bonuses, which we usually didn’t get paid anyway. You see, it wasn’t me and my friends providing all the insanity at Greco. It was the company themselves. Mr. Greco, the boss, and Kathy, the telemarketing supervisor, were both way too stupid to be running any sort of operation. Charlene, or Char for short, another telemarketing supervisor under Kathy, was absolutely insane. Ironically, the Greco offices had some of the filthiest carpets I had ever seen. Everything there was brown with either filth, or wood paneling. All the walls had fake wood paneling, which made Greco look like it was something out of the 1970s. It smelled like coffee, and extreme heat. Heat certainly has a smell. Everything in that building was cooking, and all the smells were made more prominent as a result. It didn’t matter whether it was 10 degrees or 100 degrees out. The heat was always cranking in Greco. Deusterdick. “Hello, is this… hehe… Mr… ha… Deusterdick??” How are you supposed to take the job seriously when you’re calling people like Mr. Deusterdick. It didn’t matter, even if we did take the job seriously, Charlene would still rail us for not working hard enough. “Get back on the goddamn phone and do some work!” She shrieks all the time. I was taking a sip of my coffee at the moment she said this. I had also just hung up my phone less than three seconds ago, in order to look up the next number. “Let me tell you, the ‘K’ file is hot today!” The “K” file may have been hot when you called it three times this afternoon, Charlene, but now it’s just a bunch of irate people who have already been called a few times today. She didn’t have the least bit of common sense. No authority figure at that job did, which is why Greco Carpet Cleaning was slowly but surely going out of business. In order to bring up sales, they’d make asinine ways to give us bonuses. “Tonight, we’re doing teams.” They would say. Then they’d pair us up, and the team who made the most sales would get a bonus. However, once the winning team started getting less than three sales a night, things changed… “Okay, since the numbers are down, and there haven’t been as many sales as there were the previous week, we’re getting rid of teams.” Right. That makes sense. Because sales aren’t high enough, let’s get rid of the incentive to make sales. That’ll bring those number right back up. Charlene looked like a skeleton. She was one of those people who smoked three or four packs of cigarettes a day for 40 years… and she didn’t do it in a cool way either. As a result, her face was the perfect balance between a sharpei and a skeleton, if that is possible. There wasn’t quite enough fat for wrinkles, yet the little bit of extra skin she had simply formed deeply-imbedded lines all throughout her face. Skinny like a skeleton yet wrinkled like a sharpei. We would argue whether she looked more like a ghost pirate, or an old catcher’s mitt. No one knew her last name, nor did they know where she lived. Charlene was an enigma, whom we only knew a few facts about: She did her laundry at Greco. During the summer, she would come back to Greco to watch “Fear Factor” in the back room. Although she didn’t own a TV, she did own a DVD player. She had no home phone, nor did she have a computer or radio. Also, She worked at a library during the day, but she wasn’t a “goddamned librarian.” She would do nothing at Greco. She would go in the back and do her laundry for the two and a half hours that we were there. If she got the idea that we were dicking around, she’d simply holler down the hallway that she’d “punch us all out”, and then resume her laundry. “Charlene, can I have some gum?” One of my friends asked once. She asked the question innocently enough, actually wanting a piece of gum. Her inquiry was met with silence. A stare. Charlene stared for about thirty seconds, her face twisted into a horrible frown. … … … “IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANY GUM, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK ANYONE ELSE HERE WOULD!!??” What the hell. That’s logic for you. I think we all flat-out laughed in her face when she said this one. She deserved it as well. My last day at Greco, as I was walking out my hand went through one of the glass windows of the front door. My hand was bleeding pretty profusely, and I had a big piece of glass sticking out of my wrist. Charlene, however, was mad at me because I didn’t make enough sales that night. As a result, she wouldn’t get me a bandage or let me wash out the cut… she just stood in the door saying “If it hurts so much, why don’t you just go home?” In the end, she gave me two paper towels and a rubber band, and left me to drive myself home. Then she fired me. Wednesday, April 16, 2003
people i have known.
silva - his name was silva, and thats about all the background i can give. he was really ethnic (maybe hispanic? i dont know) and he worked at the birdseed factory with me. the only thing he ever said was "Is good, eh?". if he just wrapped up some birdseed he'd go "Is good, eh?". one day i saw that they had some pigeons caged in the back of the warehouse, because they had gotten inside. I was looking at them and silva said "Is good, eh?" then he pointed at the bird and said "Is good, eh?" then he held his hands near his crotch and pantomimed humping the bird. "Is good, eh?". no, that wasn't good. joe fowler senior - joe fowler jr. was probably more entertaining, but not by much. joe fowler sr. had a white beard that took up most of his face. he also had pointed teeth and ears, therefore, we called him wolfman jack. one day we were driving through five-points and he said "What the fuck is up with these fucking new traffic lights?? Five points used to flow so fucking nice now its fucking backed up all the way to the fucking highway because those pigfuckers that work for the city had to put in twenty-five goddammned fucking traffic lights to slow my ass down." jackie burowski - jackie was a thug. she sat behind me in some classes in school. i hated her and she hated me more. she could have easily beat me up though. she works at the rustic mill. i went there once and i was afraid to order cause she was my waitress, so i had christine order for me. when the food came out, she brought me food ANYWAY. i told her i didnt order it and she just said "well, are you gonna eat it?" and stared at me. she fucking tried to poison me. i didn't eat the food. last year in school we took tests to find out who we were "compatible" with. the test showed that me and jackie burowski were in fact the same person, apparently. guy on line to get rob zombie's autograph - sean wanted to meet rob zombie really bad. so we waited on line, and i was there with him. we were third on line, and we were 3 hours early. i dont know how early the two dudes in front of us came, but the guy kept turning and telling us how "rob zombie is so cool" but he liked white zombie better. I told him I listened to rush and ELO (to catch him off guard), and it worked to well, because he stared at me for two minutes before turning around and saying he liked "heavier stuff". i feel bad making fun of him because he was obviously a mess. rob zombie signed my psychology book. guy at TT the bears - i saw him watching some local band called auto interiors. he has his knees against the stage he was standing so close. nobody else was watching the band at all, even from a distance. he was nodding his head trying to keep the beat (he couldnt) and he moved his hand a lot. the next act came onstage, and the next, and the next, and they all made some comment about him but he didnt react at all, he just kept staring blankly. i saw him a few weeks ago at TT the bears again, and he had a Yanni denim jacket on and he was doing the same thing to the four other bands. keep on trucking, tt the bears guy. wes - wes lives in boston. i went to boston and wes was doing something to jorge's door. jorge said "DONT YOU FUCK WITH MY DOOR AGAIN!" and wes left. when I asked what happened, jorge said wes hooked a mousetrap up to his door and it slammed him in the face or something. last i heard, wes had burned his face off. sting - i have not met sting. Monday, April 14, 2003
Skeleton warriors in new white stripes video. On that note:
Rattle me rattle me rattle me bones it's a frightning glow... BUT DON'T RATTLE ME BONES! spin the wheel for the treasure to take. CAREFUL MY FRIEND'S OR I'LL RATTLE AND SHAKE. you motherfuckers remember that. admit it. -rj Tuesday, April 01, 2003
reasons why i havent been updating again:
ive been in the dirty dirty souf (carolina) ive been in the dirty dirty norf (boston) ive been at ramapo which is too boring to really inspire anything creative if theres any problems, answer to drew: 
thanks Thursday, March 13, 2003
Top ten things
10."The boy wasn't looking to start a fire," said police spokesman Dieter Eilert. "He just wanted to light his plane." 9. MARTI GRAS IS COMING TO LINDEN HALL!! STAY TUNNED FOR DETAILS! (tunned?? wtf?) 1. Cassette tapes are making a comeback (not for music, ifyaknowwhatimean) Monday, March 03, 2003
Commercial Report Card for February, 2003.
Best buy spiderman propaganda - the commercial starts with a harmless clip from the spiderman videogame. suddenly the poor-mans Bernie Mac slides down from the top of the screen. the rest of the commercial sounds like this "HEY SPIDERMAN, WHATS SWINGING SPIDERMAN? GET IT SPIDERMAN, I SAID WHATS SWINING, LIKE YOU SWINING ON WEBS SPIDERMAN! THERE YOU GO SPIDERMAN! SAVING THE DAY SPIDERMAN! GETTIN THE GIRL, SPIDERMAN! NOT LIKE ME, SPIDERMAN! YO SPIDERMAN, WHERE YOU GOING SPIDERMAN!". The words spider and man are said much more in these 30 seconds than they should have been in 30 years. then at the end, we learn that the loud, stereotypical funny black man was actually in best buy screaming at a video game screen. where the fuck did this take place? the Union best buy on 22? Grade: D depression medicine cartoon - it may have been for paxil. it could have been for diflucan. i don't know, all the medicines sound the same, and they all have the same side effects. this commercial could have been for tranforma-voltron-ican for all i care. all the matters is there's a poorly drawn circle with eyes and a mouth. this circle used to be interested in things like the outside, and butterflies. now, circley is depressed. he lives in a cave and it rains all the time. through a diagram that vaguely resembles something obscene, we learn that circley has a chemical imbalance. but the medicine fixes him up, and then he can play with butterflies again. also, the rain goes away, showing that circley was also schizophrenic, and there was no rain. i swear to god, this cartoon has more problems than any cartoon should EVER have. most cartoons are concerned with falling off cliffs and shit, but he's got severe depression and schizophrenia. poor guy. Grade: A. This commercial used to be around, but when it went away I was depressed myself. the return of the circle into my life has made me okay again. Mcdonalds commercials - McDonalds has to cater to every single ethnic group... but not in one commercial. in 6 or 7. so this is divided into two categories this time. The White Commercial - A white woman walks into a mcdonalds, and the worker asks if she wants to add a parfait to her order for only a dollar... and she FLIPS THE FUCK OUT. This is supposed to make me hungry or something? Grade: F The Black Commercial - A bunch of hip young inner-city residents are sitting around at a table, using horribly forced slang like "Yo, you got any eats?". They don't... so they do what any normal hip-hop fans would: scream "ANTE UP" (wtf??) and pull money out of their pocket. More forced slang like "Dat aint a lot of loot". Then its off to mcdonalds, to buy some parfaits. then he brings the parfait back and goes "parfait si vous plait" and everyone is confused. I don't know what im more embarassed about... the fact that McDonalds has to make segregated commercials, or should I be embarrassed FOR the people the second commercial thinks they're catering to. Grade: F Bowflex - Shots of people working out, then this song kicks in. the words go like "gonna make you horny/ you rock my body/ what a lovely body/ gonna make you want it." makes me cringe. this commercial makes me want to be out of shape, just so i dont have to associate myself with this song. Grade: C Burger king cowboys - mcdonalds already monopolizes the black and white people demographics, so BK had to turn to a completely different group to market to: COWBOYS. now they have grizzled old men sitting around a fire talking about how "everything tastes better cooked on fire." WISDOM, folks, WISDOM OF THE GODS. if it's good enough for cavemen and cowboys, its good enough for me. Grade: A Excedrin arguments - excedrin always loses out to tylenol, i guess, so now they scare us into buying excedrin. these commercials consist of a grizzled actor incessantly glaring into the camera, saying something like "I was in traffic and i needed to get rid of my headache. tylenol didnt work. i will never ever use tylenol again. dont you dare even mention tylenol." and he grumbles this shit for like two minutes, then it always ends with an innapproriately bad joke like "well excedrin gets rid of headaches... too bad it cant get rid of asian drivers so there would be no more traffic". Grade: F COMMERCIAL OF THE MONTH ridiculous insurance - here's a runthrough of the commercial (If you think you can't make sense of it just because i'm typing it... trust me, this commercial is even more cryptic on TV). two old women are sitting in a vegas wedding chapel talking about insurance. suddenly it cuts to a shot of their feet, with the camera darting around on the floor. then back to a steady shot of them talking about insurance. then another shot of their feet and the legs of chairs, as the camera runs around on the floor. then, cut to a scene of a duck sitting at a table, watching wayne newton sing. the camera cuts down to the duck tapping his feet. end. WHAT THE FUCK??? GRADE: A + IN CONCLUSION: i miss mentos commercials Thursday, February 27, 2003
Friday, February 21, 2003
Thursday, February 20, 2003
Good names for Abraham Lincoln's children:
I am Not a Slave Lincoln My Daddy Freed Slaves Lincoln Anthony Lincoln Hey kids my daddy freed slaves lincoln Sunday, February 16, 2003
things i will ask bil when he comes back from the nyc jail he is incarcerated in... 1. what was your jails mascot 2. do they have cash equiv in jail? 3. No seriously bil, what the fuck? Wednesday, February 12, 2003
things I miss about elizabeth NJ:
7-11 - Dont get me started white castle - REALLY, don't get me started. the smell - Seriously, you can smell elizabeth from 20 miles away. It's got a sulphuric scent. you can always smell it exuding from sewer drains in elmora, but when you get down to the new mall FORGET IT. you'd think elizabeth was built on ground made of eggs. what the fuck. shoes on the electric wires - people were asking about why shoes end up there on a mailing list I'm on. this caused me to think about how, by school 14 (the downtown elmora section), there's about 300 shoes on the electric wires PER SQUARE FOOT. why? nobody knows. i guarantee you that if you ask your parents why those shoes are up there, they won't have the slightest clue. really loud civics - just because you're a suburban white kid raised by a suburban white family doesn't mean your car shouldn't be some shitty hatchback with loud-as-fuck mufflers and shit that probably cost 3x as much as your car did. the elizabeth culture is universal, no matter how rich your family is, or how close you live to roselle park. e-town concrete's omnipresence - i've never seen them, i've never even heard any of their songs. but that doesnt matter. if you live in elizabeth, YOU WILL BE ABLE TO CONNECT YOURSELF TO ONE OR MORE OF THE MEMBERS OF E-TOWN CONCRETE. Mine? i was enemies with one of the member's brothers all through 7-8 grade. i'm sure there's more, and I'm sure you can draw a similar line. homeless guys at 7-11 - those are some pushy motherfuckers. if you say no to their pleas for change, they will IMMEDIATELY ask you if it's because they're black. one way or another, you're gonna have to give these dudes change, there's no way around it. the tropicana - rule: if you are at the tropicana, you will see people you know. without fail. on occasion, it will be someone you like. but more often than not, some slacker from your past will turn up at the tropicana and give you a "whats up" and an upwards nod, ESPECIALLY if you don't particularly like them. also, there's at least a 60% chance that this person will be working at the diner. the 99cent depot - I've yet to find another 99cent store that sells octopus. the jersey gardens theatre - theatre is used in the loosest sense. It's more of a place where people come to get in fights and scream at the screen. its like a football game but with 450 different teams, with 450 groups of fans who all hate eachother. is stadium seating a fair tradeoff for not being able to hear the movie at all? ... yeah. joe fowler - he left elizabeth. he sold out. either way... who doesn't miss his wisdom? "dude, putting a soda can on a grill will cause it to change COOLARS", "A saab is ugly, but it has many-a-speed.", "dude, you wanna go to COLLEGE? and get a college DEGREE, with your COLLEGE SWEATER, and go to COLLEGE BEER PARTIES, wearing your COLLEGE HAT, and COLLEGE KHAKIS, AND YOUR COLLEGE !!ASS!!", "Hey, pat, does your sister have her license? Does she do stupid shit in her car like this?" (swerves off the road) the no grafitti sign - If you're driving in from roselle on Westfield ave, the first sense of elizabeth you get is a sign in the medium that reads "WELCOME TO ELIZABETH" and then "GRAFFITTI" written underneath in crazy red font that was supposed to look like spraypaint. Apparently, mr. bollwage decided to crack down on Grafitti a few years back. his sign, however, wasn't very well made, and the big X over the word graffitti quickly wore off, leaving a sign that reminds you of how filthy it really is there. the acme - can you name 5 people who've worked at the acme? of course you can. don't feel special. buy-rite - every few years a new owner comes around, SWEARING they're gonna clean up the buy-rite. never happens. ever. the budweiser plant - It's like the sun to elizabeth. you can't look up without seeing this obnoxiously red eagle flying in place. bonus points if you can see it from your bedroom window. Saturday, February 01, 2003
i know i dont like to write about my day (and i promised I wouldnt), but im sorry, it's time. it's just too upsetting.
sitting in the cafeteria, what should be on the tv, but a LEADERS OF THE NEW SCHOOL video, circa 1992. Im talking cheesy drawn-on effects, and an old-school busta rhymes with a kid-n-play haircut. i couldnt have been more pleased. then, what should happen, but a girl gets up and changes the channel to BET, despite my loud protests. there were commercials on BET, that had just started. since when do people prefer commercials over a geeky old-school busta rhymes video??? what the fuck is going on here? i felt like courtney love when she was on MTV2 for 24 hours (research it). p.s. nobody remembers "mathman" on 3-2-1 contact on PBS (except bil). remember that? send me an IM if you do. I need confirmation. it was a little dude who looked like pacman but kept saying his name, and this tornado would give him math problems. quality programming. Friday, January 31, 2003
holy shit, i dont think ive ever read anything that summed it up so perfectly.
Fashion Wisdom By Matt Hollywood. Anyone who knows me understands that I'm no fashion model. Sure, I like cool clothes, I look good in a suit, and I've been known to have some fancy pants. But like most men, I don't really like to shop. Usually I'm content to let the women in my life dress me, they have better taste than I. But there is one thing I can say in reguard to couture: you will see me wearing a tux and lying in a velvet lined box before I am ever caught wearing a goatee or wallet chain! Women of the world, I plead, STOP DATING THESE FUCKING TURDS! You only encourage them. I propose that if these "dudes" or "bros" were cut off from their supply of "play" they would be forced to realize it was because of the worldwide sanctions against all goatbearded anti-wallet-theft-device enthusiasts-- leaving them no choice but to give it up. So girls please, not even a blow-job. For God's sake not even a hug until that chin is clean shaven and that hideous back-pocket to belt-loop umbilical cord has been severed. Now guys you may be thinking, "but my goatee makes me look tough and sexy like that guy from Mudd Bizkit". Trust me, he's an ass. There's a reason that beard has a name and that is because the only thing it makes you look like is, it's true, a GOAT. I can think of no circumstances; barring bizarre homosexual subcultures in Afghanistan that I may be unaware of, where looking like a goat is considered sexy. Shave. Now. In my book, the only person able to remain dignified with hair on his chinny chin chin was Fu Manchu. He was a criminal mastermind. You my friend, are a horse's ass. Shave now. As for these ridiculous chains, what exactly do you have in your wallet that you need it attached to your pants? A condom, well beyond it's expiration date? Your precious Offspring ticket stub? The phone # of the one poor young lady who was desperate enough to make out with you at the frat party? It can't possibly be money, otherwise you would have spent it on pants closer to your correct size. In fact, if someone were to "yank your chain" I suspect the entire oversized garmet would most likely come off. Quite embarrassing indeed. Yes, if you feel the need to wear chains, why not add a white sheet over your head and stumble about moaning "oooooooooh!" Probably more intimidating than your mach tough guy pose. And I don't even want to get started on my other pet peeve: white people in dread locks. On a black person dreads can look neat and attractive and are most often employed as a means of signifying membership in the rastafarian religion. On a white person, especially one with blonde or brown hair, all it signifies is that the wearer is not a cat person. Anyone acquainted with our feline friends will testify that straight-haired dreadlocks resemble nothing more than cat vomit. That's right kitty barf. On your head. Ewwww! I believe I will now step down from my soap box. Thank you.
Dekhyr Dragon's Guide to Sex with Cars (for males)
-------------------------------------------------- Howdy. Read this entire document before trying any of the steps. 'Having sex with a car'. The phrase is sometimes misunderstood to mean sex in a car, and sometimes is greeted with skepticism. How can you have sex with a car? The short answer is, up the tailpipe. The long answer is much more involved, including techniques, precautions and cautions all designed to get you maximum satisfaction from screwing a car. Our first subject will be the tailpipe. The tailpipe of the car is, of course, where the exhaust comes out. So in this sense, the tailpipe is an anus. First we will deal with some cautions you should know about. In most cars, the edge of the tailpipe is sharp. You should therefore exercise caution when doing anything with the tailpipe. If the engine has been on for a long (or even a relatively short) period of time, the tailpipe will be hot. Do not do anything with the tailpipe hot. Wait until the tailpipe has cooled off. The tailpipe will cool off faster than the engine, so you don't have long to wait. I call screwing the car while the tailpipe is hot, "farking the car hot". Never fark a car hot. I did, once. Once. The exhaust from a car contains poisonous gases. One of these, carbon monoxide, is a slow killer. Carbon monoxide takes a long time to be flushed out of the body, so it can build up to toxic levels without your knowing it. Never do anything with the tailpipe while the engine is on! Now, the first thing you should note is that the inside of the tailpipe is usually coated with soot. This is the usual particulate debris of combustion. Before having sex with the car, clean the inside of the tailpipe with soap and warm water, as far as you can go. Keep in mind the possibly sharp edge of the tailpipe. Now that the tailpipe is clean, you are ready to pleasure and be pleasured by the car. You can do this two ways. One way doesn't require any equipment. The other way (which is much more rewarding) does. The first way is to fark the car 'raw'. This does NOT mean stuffing your cock into the tailpipe and thrusting. This would hurt (remember the sharp edges?) and be no fun anyway, since the tailpipe doesn't flex. What you should do is get behind the car and start jerking off. When you are about to come, carefully put your cock into the tailpipe of the car, and then come. But, in the heat of passion, you must still remember the sharp edge. Even putting just the head into the tailpipe is good enough. Just make VERY sure that you don't hurt yourself. Now, this assumes that you can get your cock into the tailpipe in the first place. Some tailpipes are too small, and then, well, you're out of luck. Find someone who has a car with a bigger tailpipe. The best way to have sex with a car, however, is not raw. You need the following equipment: 1 Dekhyr Dragon Industries (Teledildonics Division) Sexual Interface Unit. If you don't have one, you can get one through me (Dekhyr, xdracopanix.com) or you can attempt to build one yourself. The SIU is essentially a tube made of foam rubber, rolled such that the inner diameter is slightly smaller than the diameter of your erect penis. When lubricated, it acts as a sexual interface to whatever you attach it to. In this case, it is inserted into the tailpipe of the car you want to have sex with. To build one, you will need black electrical tape, a 'Koozie', a can of soda, and a hefty pair of scissors. A 'Koozie' is a foam rubber dingumbob in which you put a soda. It keeps the soda cold and your hand warm. Being a 'give-away' item, you usually can't find it anywhere. I've had reports of finding them in liquor stores. I've actually found a good deal of them at a local discount-type store. There are two kinds, thick walled and thin walled. I've only been able to find the thick kind; the thin kind I've only been able to get through an advertising company. The thin kind is particularly good with tailpipes not much bigger than your cock. Here is what you need to do: 1. Measure the circumference of your erect penis. This is most easily done by wrapping a string around your cock (around the shaft, not the head). 2. Take the bottom of the Koozie out. You should be left with a tube. 3. Cut the wall of the tube from top to bottom so that you are left with a slab of foam rubber which refuses to stay straight. /------------\ \------------/ | | | | | | | | | | cut^ | | | | | | | \------------/ 4. Now, carefully cut away material parallel to the first cut until you can put the ends together making a smaller tube, and such that the inner circumference of the tube is slightly smaller (say, by 1/2" or so) than the circumference of your shaft. 5. Take a piece of electrical tape. Hold the ends of the tube flush. Place the tape on the cut on the outside to secure the tube in the middle. Now repeat with more tape until the cut is secure. Wrap tape around the whole thing. 6. Drink the soda. With the scissors, CAREFULLY cut off the top and bottom of the aluminum can. CAREFULLY cut a strip of aluminum lengthwise from the can, about 3/4" to 1" wide. 7. Coat the strip with electrical tape. This is to prevent the edges from cutting. 8. Attach the strip to the tube at one end: attach here only | V ============ <- strip (curled upward a bit) ====== ---------------------------- ^ \ / \ | | | | | | | | | | \ / | V / ---------------------------- 9. 'Test drive' it! Lube it up with KY (try not to use oil-based lubricant; you may want to use it with more than one person, and then you'll be using a condom). Now, stuff the SIU up the tailpipe and lube well. You now have several options for farking your car. One major one is from behind. If the car is automatic shift, then put the car in Park and remove the emergency brake. This will enable the car to rock back and forth to your thrusts. If the car is manual transmission, chock the wheels well, remove the emergency brake, and put the car into gear -- the higher the gear, the more play the car has. This will also enable the car to rock. Kneel behind the car. Now thrust in. You may not have any trouble with heavier manual transaxled cars, since you may not have to chock the wheels -- the weight of the car will prevent the engine from 'topping out' and moving the car away. Lighter manual transaxled cars are more likely to be topped out by your thrusts, so chocking is necessary. In general, the lower the gear, the less play, but the more difficult it is to top the engine out. Another major method is to lie down under the car, your upper body under the car, and thrust into the car. It is difficult, though, to make the car rock unless you push on the closest rear tire. I've also had some success leaning on my side and farking the car sideways. More than one person can fark a car if it has more than one tailpipe on opposite sides of the car. This will also make the car rock faster and harder since the energy of two people will add. NEVER fark a car with the engine on. Firstly, you will be breathing hard, and that means you can poison yourself faster. Secondly, the car will either stall (because there's something blocking the tailpipe, heh) -- causing damage to the engine -- or will force the exhaust out. And you have an idea where the exhaust will go, I trust. Ouch! Fatality City! If you do not use a condom and you come inside the car, ten or fifteen minutes of driving will kill off anything inside. So you do not have to worry about STDs from that. What you will have to worry about, though, is the SIU itself. It is not being sterilized. Therefore, if you use an SIU you think is going to be used by someone else, use a condom, and use KY jelly or some other water-based lubricant. Remember -- oil rots condoms, and so will an oil-based lubricant. Enjoy your cars! Tuesday, January 21, 2003
actual things that happened to me in school, and the lessons ive learned
by rj kindergarten - a waterbug popped up through the sink drain. it was really scary looking and everyone crowded around to look at it. suddenly it ran up the side of the drain and everyone screamed and it fell on my shoe. i shook my foot and crushed it, and the teacher yelled at me. lesson: bug = good. Victor Mravlag School #21: 1st grade - mr. brescher the gym teacher had us line up one day because we had to go to the nurse. i asked him why and he said 'to get a big shot with a needle this big' and demonstrated how long the needle was. i got scared, not because i was scared of shots, but because my mom always told me i wasnt supposed to get shots in school. i started to cry, and he just laughed and kept asking me if i was scared. i explained my situation and he said 'oh no, youre definately gonna get a needle'. i cried more. lesson: crying 6 year old = prime chance to fuck with someones head 1st grade two - mr. mcnelly had a table set up on parent teacher night with instruments on it. random kids were playing with the instruments. when i went to pick up the maracas, mr. mcnelly snatched them away. other kids continued to play with other instruments, but he withheld the maracas. my dad talked with him for a bit, and at the end of their conversation mr. mcnelly said "why dont you show us how to play the maracas, rj." i took them, and shook them once, before he snatched them away again. lesson: im not allowed to play maracas. ever. 2nd grade - i was at the urinal peeing, and drew was at the urinal next to me. he turned and peed on my leg and screamed 'ta-da'. when we went to the principal as a result of this, drew's excuse was "i was trying to pee on the floor, like rj did at cub scouts" (i used to pee in the drain in the st. gens bathroom floor at cub scouts). i got punished for this, even though it happened at a completely unrelated place, because i set a bad example. lesson: at age 7, you should be setting examples for your friends, or else you're fucked 2nd grade part two - I had just learned the word "lesbian" and I thought it was funny. Outside in gym class, as I threw a hula hoop, I triumphantly yelled out "LESBIAN!". the teacher sent me to the principal, who gave me detention for desturbing classes by yelling "Made up words". lesson: Lesbian is a made up word. 3rd grade - drew, jorge and I would make paper dolls and call them "suicide men". we'd draw sad faces on them, and then kill them in certain ways (such as drowning them in the fountain), and swear it was their own doing because, after all, they were suicide men. taryn flores told on us, and the mrs. mitchell asked if we thought that was funny. we said yes, and she said "good, you were honest. dont do it again". and we didnt get in trouble. lesson: joking about suicide at a young age is okay, as long as you are open with the fact that death can be humorous. 3rd grade two - in mrs. stryker's math class, for some reason, we were learning about the white house (in math!). mrs. stryker kept making a point of saying how the rooms had been "Untouched since the 1700s" and that everything was very old. I raised my hand and asked if they had a TV in the white house. Mrs. Stryker called me an idiot and got very angry. lesson: they have tvs in the white house. WIlliam Halloran School #22: 4th grade - every thursday was "CLUB DAY", a day where we would have two classes and spend the rest of the day in our "clubs" which we would sign up for. we were alloted two hours for the club. I signed up for a swimming club called "splish splash". every thursday we would get on a bus with the rest of the suburban white kids, and they would drive us to school #1, which was in the absolute heart of the ghetto. we would then proceed to go in the locker rooms and change into our swimsuits. the kids in the locker room would yell and scream and rap and scare us. then we'd get to the pool, and they'd teach us how to swim. i had been on the swim team for years at this point, and i knew every stroke and could swim perfectly. we'd spend 20 minutes doing the doggie paddle, before we would return to the locker room and get scared some more, before drivinh back to school all wet. lesson: school is ridiculous. 4th grade two - one day in the winter, they made all the kids go outside without their jackets. we sat out there for three hours, freezing, then we went back inside. the teachers wouldn't tell us why we were outside, and when I asked, mrs. surmay told me to "mind my own business". later i found out that there was a bomb threat made to our school. lesson: don't question anything, ever. 5th grade - i was biting into my hamburger at school, when I felt something hard. I realized it was a tooth as I pulled it out of my mouth. I checked ... nope, not my tooth. I took it to Mrs. Peranio, who told me it was mine. I told her it wasn't mine. She told me it was. I told her I found it in my hamburger, and it wasn't my tooth, because I had all mine. She told me to go show it to the lunchlady. I did. She said it was mine. I told her it wasn't, and explained the situation. She said "hrm" and took the tooth and put it in an envelope. she said she don't see how any tooth other than mine could be in a hamburger. i went back and sat down again. lesson: If the lunchlady says so, it's your tooth. no matter what. 5th grade two - jorge was in the school play, annie get your gun. he had the male lead. when me and drew went to see the play, we sat in the back and watched it quietly with our parents. the next day, mrs. peranio called me immature, and asked why i couldn't even keep quiet during my friend's play. when I was confused, she said "maybe you should have been in the play, because you can certainly act confused well enough. you know what you did." then she wouldnt listen anymore. lesson: dont show support for your friends by going to their shows. 5th grade three - we were going to preform with the chorus at woodbridge mall. i was singing "bashana" in rehearsal, when I felt lightheaded. next thing I knew I was in the bathroom with water all over me. singing "bashana" had caused me to pass out, and mrs. cade took me to the nurse. the nurse gave me some juice, and sent me to the mall. when it was time to preform the song at the mall, mrs. peranio said she didnt want me to sing it, because i might pass out again. i sang every other song fine, but had to make a scene by edging my way out of the risers before Bashana. lesson: hebrew songs affect me like kryptonite 6th grade - taking the advice of my teacher, i joined the play. i got one of the male leads, along with jorge, edwich, and pat. when they were doing makeup, i jokingly said "i want mutton chops!". fat mr. dunn said "you got it." and started to draw mutton chops on my face with a makeup pencil. It hurt, and I didnt want mutton chops, so I stopped him, and said I was kidding. Then mrs. peranio came up and glared at me, said I looked ridiculous. to remedy the situation, she had fat mr.dunn draw a full beard on me with makeup pencil. I looked even more ridiculous, and hurt myself scrubbing the makeup off later. lesson: just accept mutton chops, or else. 6th grade two - we were all rushed outside once again, in the cold. we sat there for half of the day, and even missed lunch. Hungry and freezing, pat and i decided to ask the mrs. cataliotti what was going on. she told us that someone had thrown up inside, and the janitors were working on it. we reminded her jokingly that we were capable of reasoning at this point in our lives, and that answer didn't really make sense. she said "well, that's what they told the teachers... i dont know what to tell you." lesson: dont trust anyone. Saturday, January 18, 2003
reasons why i havent been updating
- too busy touring with CHRIST POSE (all capitals), my metal band with 7 drummers. - my bycicle had a flat tire couldnt get to computer - skeleton - roman pulanski reasons why i told nerf herder i thought their new song sucks. - it does -it's a shitty first single - it's about star trek -i dont care what nerf herder thinks of me - nerf herder are geeks - the opportunity was there. Wednesday, January 15, 2003
Loki Gibbet Warrant Quietus Congruent
Braille invention Galen anatomy broke decline ingather Hillcrest turgid Shedir cranky featherweight villein Monsanto hinterland feudatory Crestview. Convulsive climate kindle interpolate element malevolent chance arisen kitchen porpoise upholster Aaron similar Ilona Asia normal Horny Italian Guyana conscientious. Bygone haughty glare aspirant epithet sultan riddance inadequacy unbeknownst hospice gaffe pleat Centigrade doodle demarcate hut statewide Netherworld gobble cloth Clarendon mandrill Clemson ate. Delano overhang jurisprudent coolant scrutiny twaddle logo hoosegow deoxyribonucleic quadrangle hexafluoride Vladivostok GNP knell troll intermittent charitable reredos. Teleost vat Jorge Seton hilltop pessimal lye matrimony clubhouse director abeyance shell rilly. Bellmen irksome railway cent confidante Dee tow nigger wheresoever sup circlet inaccurate Andrew help idiomatic. Modern shun Rena abort curricular Denebola on exempt oriole swear perspicuity polarography. Telepathic debit Askew apperception plane wharves prominent home extradition expelled Minsky. Segovia consul package stethoscope swathe churchwomen protean delphinium Rotarian huntington emergent gavel scutum noise quell quadriceps around margarine salve. Lanka WECo twilight Minerva moratorium tableau Vermont tattler Sandia craw vise northerly Brainard. Sumerian Phoenix upslope gander timberland collapse vet irrefutable bungle cyclone Krause homologue Fischer UCLA soft wedge Hitachi. Gibson Imperious frown consortium kirk further Alabama utterance insomnia bestir breezy welfare minefield. Quirinal fraudulent Marcy organic sprite Stapleton centigrade Nashua slime homesick priory. Jacobs round inviolate bellum Bator given Albright virtue fife Carpathia participate lampblack Stratton catnip trim geopolitic linemen. Surname macho teetotal gape kombu dreg Irishmen academy psi errata airstrip frugal fraternal stadia racy. Obscene pinafore Christoffel field barnacle ignore evolve opiate pessimum rosette potable hexagonal complacent irreclaimable elegiac discriminant honorary obverse pen. Clergy wonderful Quarterback deceitful chlordane flowerpot wheezy Standish millstone dig vat keyed Allentown councilman heliocentric drum clubhouse rabbet decree French thine Durkee. Eave embraceable annotate seahorse Transylvania prefecture rouge literary brainstorm troop gratis fragmentation beachhead mercury kit execute Io cherubim cyclic. Emporium electroencephalograph downward Krebs chlorine diadem cattail chairmen seismograph tomatoes. Went modular cedilla agate sunspot Colloq Dewey Hamlin Nikolai generic unchristian thunder immeasurable glide. Saturday, December 28, 2002
the new thomas ganz dictionary:
tssst - (verb) - Here. Usage: waitress is brining you food. you would signal which plate was yours by giving a 'tssst' NEG - (adj.) - no. usage: you do not wish to do something, cry NEG. YAR - (adj.) - yes. pancakes... maple! - (verb) - bring me panckaes with maple syrup. 2x - (adj) - twice, again. usage - if singing along to nirvana - "rape me... rape me my friend. rape me... rape me 2x" Wednesday, December 25, 2002
GUIDE TO CHRISTMAS PRESENTS
good present: 20-foot ladder good present that sighs a lot: old man who is remembering his glory days fake present: a box with a fake camera hidden in the bottom under tissue paper good present with mournful wails: your grandfather's ghost good present that wont fit under the tree: all the world's ails and sadness. bad present: a slight case of the cancers bad present that grows up: baby bad present that grows up but would be a good name for a punk band: babies with rabies also as a christmas present i bring to you things that anton from the jonestown massacre said to me: ''I know it's Mardi Gras and I am SO FUCKIN' TIRED of people screaming out, 'Show me your zits!' at me. I don't have FUCKIN' acne, MAN!' "i have a guitar with a swastika on it back there to break over the head of anyone who hits a girl" 'Theyíre not gonna unfreeze Walt Disney tomorrow andhave him on The Morning Show." 'Don't drink water, fish fuck in water.' 'Our band members are having a discussion about whether or not they want to shoot up DOPE or play music. But I'm going to play music, because I'm HERE TO ENTERTAIN YOU.' 'I'd like to take some time to chat with some of youbeautiful ladies in the audience now. I would love to invite you all to have sex with me, you know, every one of you that I could accommodate on my one penis, but I'm here to play music, I'm HERE TO ENTERTAIN YOU.' 'I could be up here shootin'dope in my eye, my ear, up my ass--I could be like Stevie Nicks with a fuckin' glass tube, but no, I'm HERE TO ENTERTAIN YOU.' 'I dare N*Sync or Britney/Shitney or 98 fuckin', million, thousand degrees to do anything as good as'Whatí's Going On.' (This led into an impromptu, a capella, falsetto 'crooning' of Marvin Gaye's'Sexual Healing,' complete with grinding into the mike stand). 'Yeah, well you know I'd like to take Britney, N*Sync and 98 fuckiní million thousand--and shoot 'em all right into the fuckin' SUN! Them AND Walt Disney's ice cube.' "i was not drunk, i am sick, i work 24 hours a day,for more than the last month.get your facts straight, i walk in tt the bears and there are no-less than four satanic images. i do not enjoy your people. the way they live. i am alive. you are a bore, and unless they cut the parts of the webcast where i said "stop fucking your kids in the ass, stop hitting girls, be kind to animals, respect strangers......." i really wanted to do my best, it's really sad what i experianced in amerca this trip, america is dead. her masts slipped quietly benieth the waves,the survivers,just tiny heads bobbing up and down in a cold black ocean, never noticed her passing,they were too busy trying to tread water. i'm sure someone wrote the same thing in 1777. maybe it was me. i have to fight somebody everyday just to be able to sing love songs in public. Tuesday, December 24, 2002
i think a good name for a baby would be "mouth". because then, by the time hes learning to speak, he'll have a head start and already know one word -- mouth. Saturday, December 21, 2002
nicks page has some shit about christmas where he updates it everyday and talks about chirstmas. what the hell. my page is better though so i just do my chistmas thing now.
i celebrate christmas differently than white people and black people. i also have a different calendar. here is a guide to celebrating christmas. 12th day of christmas - take a big magic marker and start tagging up police cars with christmas trees and stuff makin them festive and then dress upp like beetlejuice and deliver presents to the cops. 11th day of christmas - kwanzaa day. celebrate kwanzaa with asian businessmen who are in america on said business, then show them a good time by playing russian roulette. 10th day of christmas - santa wizard day. every one of your friends will give you a generic statue of a wizard that may or may not be santa (he's got a wand and he's skinny, but hes in a red suit with white trim and he has a gandalf beard). you have to then decide wether it will serve as a santa figurine and be the centerpiece during christmas dinner, or if he is a year long decaration to celebrate your love of wizards. also, there are fireworks embedded in his eyes that go off sometimes and wake you up. 9th day of christmas - deliver holiday cheer to prison inmates in the form of codoms full of cocaine shot through the plumbing system. then, later, go driving along train tracks (watch our for trains, though!!) 8th day of christmas - Longranger xr5: my aunt is bitching about how i have so much stuff because i havent unpacked and i was just like hey get off my back woman im trying to take a hit then i took a hit 7th day of chirstmas - miracle of birth day. today we celebrate hannukah and the miracle of birth. everything must have a baby. for instance, if you have a menorah, there must me a little, baby menorah next to it. if your hosue has a door, there must be a little, baby door next to it. the only thing that cannot have a baby is fire, because little fire = useless. it doens't even burn too much. 6th day of christmas - today, as you are reaching for your gun, be sure to accidentally set it off while it is still in the holster, and shoot yourself in the foot. 5th day of christmas - today we decide, once and for all, which is better. baseball bats or bats. next year, we will decide again. we must always come to the same decision 4th day of christmas - at the diner they have free eggs today, but they dont advertise it. also, to show humility, one of the qualities of christmas spirit, you must wear a pair of filthy gloves. 3rd day of christmas - open presents today. 2nd day of christmas - brazil day. celebrate the world cup and the cultures and rich heritage of brazil. also look at pictures of the rain forest. also get a 50 foot amplifier and blast "cop killer" at birthday parties that happen today in your neighborhood. 1stday of chirstmas - home economics day. to celebrate chirstmas learn home economics like sewing and cooking and baking. also, find a school that still offers woodshop (like in the woder years) and then ask them if they really think they need to be paying for A) The salary of the woodshop teacher B) the cost of tools and supplies and C) the insurance for having a woodshop in school. then, when they realize their folly and fire the teacher, rescue him before he gets too down on himself and take him and set him up with his dream job -- a stock car racer. it's a christmas miracle!! Monday, December 16, 2002
sorry i havent been updating i was in nebraska.
heres some good ideas i had there: elvis skeleton - dancing reproduction of elvis' dead skeleton that is a christmas decoration, and it sings journey songs. wears santa hat, but delivers infinite torment rather than presents. ice scream beam cream - ice cream that tastes reallly really good but its really bad for you, because every bite it shoots a burning beam of magma into your throat. bamboo shoes - shoes with sharp bamboo pieces in the inside of the soles that stabs your foot when you walk. promotes burning of fossil fuels and more driving. red coffin - flashy red painted coffin that you dont bury but hook up to the grill of your car when you die and then you go in it and other people drive your car with you all in front. chicken mine cart - mine cart you fill up with chickens, and then send the chickens to other folks via mine cart basket monkeys - ???????? Sunday, December 15, 2002
ways my dorm, pine hall, could be much more evil:
Spine Hall - change the sign outside by simply putting at S in front of it. Skelevator - its a giant ribcage that opens up, and then you get inside and you shoot up the spine. scarewell - its the stairs, but they're painted black. kinda creepy. pro-ghost - like the provost but he kills you instead of working. the ghoul store - like the school store, but they only sell bones and pointy sticks. Saturday, December 07, 2002
Friday, December 06, 2002
Thursday, December 05, 2002
http://nj.com/news/ledger/union/index.ssf?/base/news-1/103907282574520.xml
hahahaha i knew him. we used to call him 'rev' and my friends slept in the same room as him at summer camp! GOT EM. Tuesday, December 03, 2002
bil thompson managed to say the single phrase that easily became both the most awful thing ive ever heard as well as the best thing i've ever heard.
"if it snows two feet, me and the snow will be twins, because we both have two feet." Monday, December 02, 2002
a true story:
i went to visit the teacher that wrote those comments today at 4pm to speak about another one of my grades. she left a note for me that said to meet her at some star studded gala event or something. anyway, long story amde short, i go there, and the hollywood stars are really out in full force. but jeff goldblum was there, and he looks me square in the eyes and said "fuck off, homeboy". whats his problem fucking stars.
this is the comment i got on my essay for english from the teacher. all the mistakes and poor capitalization are hers.
A - you may, akas, be correct. the issue, is, how do peoples views get changed? It's slow, certainly. but views on af. Americans, have to a degree, changed for the better (i'm thinking o sheer number of peoples here). but change is ver slow. thats college folks.
porn would be better if it was on all the time, but with no nudity. just something you could watch with you parents. but the same music. Sunday, November 24, 2002
heres other stuff i thought of before you did:
stone trees - trees that are real tall and made of stone, and they dont have a root system, so they topple eaisly. safety gun - a gun that deploys an electircal shock to the person who shoots it, so they'll think twice about shooting people. also, the version for police will dispense candy so the police will shoot more robbers and skater kids. plastic bottomed boat - like the glass bottom boat but for the future. jackolantern control pills - like birth control pills except they turn the female egg into jack-o-lanterns so they can't be fertilized. temple carpet - carpets with pictures of the most magnificent temples ever built in civilization on the underside. fake home fries - made out of stone and glass so you hurt your teeth on them
heres something you never ever thought about. guaranteed.
FROZEN SAND. sandj ust doesnt freeze!! desert dont freeze. beach dont freeze. sand dont freeze. but tonite, i saw a fropzen volleyball court. crazy. -rj ps. I am not jack, nor am i jack white. he has black hair. i dont. Saturday, November 23, 2002
fuckign iraq. once my generation has a president, things will be different. we were raised with contra. we know that you dont ever ever need to go to war, you just need to send in two commandos to fuck shit up and blow up bridges and stuff.
or just send in one jeep to drive around making explosions and freeing hostages and running over people, JACKAL style. war is so unneccessary. Friday, November 22, 2002
the best thing ive seen since ive been at ramapo, by rj
last night there was hot apple cider at dinner. on the apple cider was a note that read exactly "HOT CIDER. good for digestion or...?". thats probably the funniest thing ive seen here. the end Thursday, November 21, 2002
candies from the 80s you might rememebr:
super hots - this red cinnamon flavored candy that had two packets that opened up and mixed together different chemicals that would heat up really really hot and give you a "rush of oh so powerful burn". bubble tape xtreme - bubble tape that never lost its flavor, and it had a picture of dick van dyke on the cover, and it was really strong. bubble tape can be reused later as a fanbelt. sour BLAST - came in a real working gun that you put in your mouth and pullt eh trigger, and it shoots the sweet bullet shaped candy into your throat. gun can be reused later as a gun. Plum puffs - purple plum flavored candy that came in a rock form and you had to crush it and heat it up on a spoon with a lighter and then inhale the grapey mist. count dracula - came in the same box as count chocula except instead of marshmallows it had real dirt from vlad the imapalers castle and it had pictures of wounds on the back. swedish fish. ------------------------------------------ INEXPLICABLE WILLIAM F HALLORAN SCHOOL SAYING OF THE DAY "where you think you at, daytona beach?" - ms cole usage - whenever someones lying around minding their own business say this shit to 'em Tuesday, November 19, 2002
FOOD JOKE OF THE DAY
how do you tell a gay nacho? (he's having sex with other dude nachos.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- INEXPLICABLE TERRENCE C RIELLY MIDDLE SCHOOL SAYING OF THE DAY "CHICKEN BALL HEAD" - clyde stutcky usage - whenever you were talkign you could randomly stop and screeam this shit. Monday, November 18, 2002
Saturday, November 16, 2002
48 hours ago i was having a huge debate about which is better, ferris bueller or pee-wees big adventure. (the answer, of course, is pee-wee)
now, saturday morning, a star from each of the movies is in jail for child porn charges. what the fuck? what a shitty super power i have, where i talk about someone and then they get child porn charges. Friday, November 15, 2002
NO BIRTHDAYS! NO BIRTH DAYS!
Im not talking "very merry unbirthday", bitch. Im talking: BLACK FLAG, BIG X, BIRTHDAY CAKE. NO F'N BIRTHDAYS. thank you
EQUATIONS TO LIVE LIFE BY
1. F = F= F. (future equals fire equals future) - the future is the fire is the future. accept it, move on. 2. H = D. (hesitation equals death) - when youre driving (or just lving life), its good to rememebr this equation. if you see the slightest chance (i.e. a car is coming down the street when you need to make a left. if you stop and think that 'i wont make it', YOU WONT MAKE IT, cause you just wasted a fucking second thinking about it. just do it), take it. otherwise, DEATH. 3. Nudak x 5 + 3Tutak = 2.55. (nudak times five plus three tutak equals two point five five) - if you ever need to get the number 2.55 in everyday life, just plug in this equation. then you got 2.55. its good for figuring out tips that are exactly 10% of 25.50 dollars. 4. X + AWK = P. (variable plus andrew wilkes-krier equals party) - ANYTHING plus andrew wk equals a party. its as simple as that. like if you were on a farm husking corn and shucking the monkeys, and you were all bored and working on the farm, just add wk and its a party. 5. G + BS = DG. (ghost plus bugspray equals dead ghost) - this is a mathematicasl fallacy or soemthing because we all know bug spray can get rids of ghosts, but we alos know that GHOSTS DONT DIE cause theyre already dead. bye Thursday, November 14, 2002
help help help help help help
'you take a run, then you slide, hit the bump and take a dive.' BUT WATCH OUT FOR THE CROC!!!!!!!!! crocodile mile how did the song go. how did the song go. how did the song go. how did the song go. Wednesday, November 13, 2002
How to confuse someone, lesson 1::
StonTPilot: i went to a pyschology lecture on what makes a jackson idontneedthissht: as in a singing dancing jackson? StonTPilot: we decided that it was an acute talent and a natural flair for paul StonTPilot: yes idontneedthissht: for paul? StonTPilot: yes idontneedthissht: myself? StonTPilot: ???? idontneedthissht: im slightyl confused StonTPilot: what don you get idontneedthissht: are you saying i have the acute talent and natural flair to ba a jackson? StonTPilot: no a jackson has a natural flair for paul idontneedthissht: so a jackson would have a natural flair for me? StonTPilot: well yes idontneedthissht: and your class decided this? StonTPilot: lecture decided this StonTPilot: yes idontneedthissht: i am so lost you cant begin to comprehend StonTPilot: looks like someone cant be a philosophy major. idontneedthissht: you couldnt be a communications major StonTPilot: whys that idontneedthissht: because the message your conveying to me is completely lost through this medium StonTPilot: would it be better if i screamed it through a megaphone into a phone, and then recorded it and played it back alomost immediately as i was screaming it, creating a natural "flange" effect idontneedthissht: probably idontneedthissht: first of all, how the hell would a jackson have a natural flair for me, and second why would i be the focal point of a lecture full of people who dont know me? StonTPilot: heh, it all comes back to freud StonTPilot: why are you so concerned idontneedthissht: because im trying to figure out whether you are joking or you actually had a lecture concerning the jacksons and me StonTPilot: i actually went to this lecture' StonTPilot: 1:00 - 2:30 Mon Nov. 11, SC-113 StonTPilot: "Philosophy of the modern man" idontneedthissht: ill talk to you later StonTPilot: late StonTPilot: r ps.s recent additions to the list of ghosts: jam master jay i will keep you updated as i see thesse new hgosts
list of my 5 favorite ghosts as of wednesday november 13 12:53 AM (ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE WK RELEASE)
1. abe lincoln 2. lisa left eye lopez 3. aaliyah 4. JFK 5. Slimer Tuesday, November 12, 2002
take my quiz or something.
Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com, rotten slouchbacked eggass!! only hebron got a 10. i dont know who hebron is. Monday, November 11, 2002
you sold out your buddies in the matrix (which i fucking hated, by the way)
you were goddamn annoying in memento now we finally got to see your severed head being placed in a bowling ball bag. nice. Sunday, November 10, 2002
o fire god you burn so bright
you fill our hearts with searing fright the zoo glows by your firey light all the animals will die tonight Saturday, November 09, 2002
(like o cristmas tree but better:)
fire god we worship thee cause you burn so scorchingly well bring your power to the zoo all the animals that die will die for you
dont worry kids. there are now TWO commercials in rotation that end with a helicopter crashing into the camera. god bless america.
also, im really really late on this one, but why the hell is that beck album soooo good. i thought it would be a disappointment like tofu. "oooo its like meat except its good for you and it tastes like whatever you flavor it like" and then you smother it in barbecue sauce and then you taste it and it tastes liek barbecue sauce with some shit in the middle that has the same consistancy as jello. no thanks, ill pass. but not the beck album. also, fire is the hottest animal on earth. -rj Thursday, November 07, 2002
hahahhahahahah
does anyone remmebre mambo #5??? that shit was HIL ARIOUS. TWO SYLLAPBLES! a littel biteof tina in the sun. a little bit of sandras all i need. a little bit of emily in the sun. a little but of you makes me your man~ I MISS YLOU BEGA! I WISH OU WERE AAT LEAST A TWO HIT WONDR~ 0byue -rj
"We're helping all the real thugs, the young thugs. We just want to help all the thugs that need help in any field." -- BONE THUGS-N-HARMONY's KRAYZIE BONE Wednesday, November 06, 2002
no really, theres no word better than "tabernacle". just scream that out. hahahhahahahah
p.s. also, another good thing to do, call someone and then real quick go to three way and call someone else. "hello?" "hello?" "what the hell, who is this?" "you called me" COMEDY. Tuesday, November 05, 2002
"Hi, this is Moby for PETA's holiday hotline. Each year the Butterball turkey company sponsors a turkey talk line to answer questions about proper cooking techniques. Please join me in calling Butterball to let them know that there is no proper way to kill and cook these beautiful birds."
oh man, that's soooooooooo 1997, when fiona apple did the same exact thing
holy shit, dracula turns good at the end of castlevania on playstation. he starts quoting from the bible and shit. what t he HELL is this? Monday, November 04, 2002
---interesting things i saw today.
i saw a show about andrew wk at a black college. i was walking to class, and a chipmunk came out and looked at me. i thought 'this is odd, most chipmunks are already hibernating or whatever' and then he looked at me a little more, but got scared when i moved and ran away. ---bad things i saw today. "who da man? Yo da man". whoever came up with that slogan for the episode 2 dvd should be put in this large barrell of salt, and theres a fan at the bottom all chopping him up and spraying salt in his eyes at the same time. its that bad. the medusa heads. i was playing castlevania on my playstation and im thinking 'great, no medusa heads in this game'. two seconds later a medusa head flies out and knocks me off a platform. it was like i was 8 all over again. -rj. Sunday, November 03, 2002
remember kids, just because you see someone dressed like a construction worker, dont automatically assume he's supposed to be one of the village people, and then start singing ymca to him and laughing at him.
especially if you see him two days after halloween. -rj. Friday, November 01, 2002
according to the reciept in my pocket, on 10/27/2002 i was in Liberty Corner, NJ, buying lottery and bus tickets. Is there something someone isn't telling me?
gotta go to boston. later Thursday, October 31, 2002
halloween has become nothing but an excuse for the goth kids to dress however the hell they want, and get away with it.
i want to collectively shake every goth/punk kid, and just make them snap the fuck out of it. you're not unique or shocking. you shop at hot topic, you geek. oh, ps, you're probably fat. otherwise you'd have no good excuse to dress in pants that goddamn baggy. fucking goth kids. -rj Wednesday, October 30, 2002
i have this dream that one day, all the major corporations of the world will hire me and make me their new ideasman, who comes up with all their new ideas. so i start thinking of them now.
-rubber hats. this shit could be huge, if everyone was wearing rubber head covers. without brims. just like winter caps, but made of rubber. -Pinenut butter. It'll be the peanut butter's margarine. an alternative to peanut flavored peanut butter. it'll taste like pine cones, and be made from pine nuts. -boat vision. Its a channel that just shows pictures of boats, and on new years, we do the boat top 10. p.s. NO SANTA MARIA, EVER -dog cell. It s acell phone that rings with that ultra-sound-laser-pitch that only dogs can hear, and so when you get a call, you have like 15 new dog friends. -red garbage bags. why the fuck should all garbage shop at hot topic, all wearing black and shit. people are gonna start wondering. okay, bye. Tuesday, October 29, 2002
with the realization that people i dont know in real life are seeing this page, comes the realization that i talk about white castle and eating a lot of white castle, and with that comes the realization that people probably think im fat. i have to defend myself.
Im not fat. I'm just a little drunk. on the left.
sometimes i like to laugh at other people a lot. here is a good example of one such time. i found this essay in the computer lab at school. This is it WORD FROM WORD. I did not modify it at all. all the spelling and grammar mistakes are the authors, not mine. so are the capitalization and punctuation mistakes. i swear. here we go:
Cheng (Jack) Hsu College English I Prof. Boyle Reading Log 1 "Portrait of an Invisible Man" by Paul Auster The writing of "Portrait of an Invisible Man" is a very negative piece of writing. The story starts out that the author's father died, and he have to clean out all the stuff that his father left at the house for the new ownr. the story said how his parents divorced, and the father stayed at the house until he died because his grandmother shot his husband. This story lets me think of my own family. There was a time when my mother was saying how she wanted to kill my father or kill herself because all the mental things that my father did to him. Couple times at our family meeting our family had my mother took out the knife trying to keep my father away from beating her. it is really something I won't forget, and the other time when my father tried to kill himself by eating overdose of drugs but my mother found out just in time to rush him to the emergency room to save his life. This story let me react very scared because I was reading the book two AM in the morning by myself and when the "invisible man" the grandfather wasn't in the picture that got tear off the picture that'sshown in the book, after I een the passage that i read closely i look at the picture and it seems so real that i freaked out. I think this writing of author's father can be very true compare to my family and what I have gone through. There you have it kids. Monday, October 28, 2002
I had a really good idea for a commerical.
its for a soda, i dunno which yet, but anyway... theres this concert going on, and the stadium is packed. theres this band playing (in a perfect world, it'd be ted nugent for this commercial. But the soda company will probably use quarashi or limp bizkit or some other rap-rock band.). all of the sudden, this HUGE BLACK AND CHROME BEEHIVE rises out from behind them, and these robotic wasps start zipping out and breaking things and eating people and stuff. the people in the audience are helpless, untill someone shakes up their soda and sprays it on the robot wasps. THE SODA SHORTS OUT THE ROBOT!!! Everyone in the audience does the same thing and they save the band! And now the band has this kickass beehive set for their show. It has to be coke or pepsi though, cause only black liquids destroy the wasps. Sunday, October 27, 2002
two men. one crave case.
two men. thirty burgers. shattering my previous record (11), and that held by Jorge estrada (12) i managed to eat 15 white castles tonite. after 11 they started to get about as enjoyable as a punch in the head. i spent a half hour on the last four alone. never again. I can't even THINK about eating white castle for AT LEAST two days now. Friday, October 25, 2002
I watched andrew wk on tv before i went to sleep. I didn't dream about it, though.
But then, after my first class, I went back to sleep, and my dream had WK. You guys should all watch Andrew WK before you go to sleep. Cause then you'll dream that he lives in the room next to you and you have all these kickass parties with him, like I did. I was SO DISAPPOINTED when I woke up... it took a second for me to realize it was just a dream. W.K!!!
okay so i go on this undead tangent yesterday, and then it carries through to today. i have one more subject to bring up.
anyone whose ever considering suicide, before you do it, i want you to remember one thing: we ARE living in a world where someone had the brains to make a show called "GRAVEDALE HIGH", which starred every undead creature imagineable in cartoon form. good enough to choose life, right? still not sure? get this. THEY WERE IN SCHOOL BEING TAUGHT BY FUCKING RICK MORANIS! Not Luis Tully, not the crazy inventor... just plain Rick Moranis. In cartoon form. Teaching a classroom full of undead students. so remember kids. all is not lost. if someone actually thought that shit up, the world cant be that bad. p.s. - if youre still considering suicide, just ride space mountain. thats all itll take to change your mind. Thursday, October 24, 2002
not a day goes by nor does a second pass when i'm not wondering why Will Smith didnt do a song for the Bagger Vance soundtrack. that shit would have been the jam of the summer.
im gonna get started already
remember the commercial for Uncle ben's rice bowls? they had some mummies chasing some archaeologists because they, having no common sense, didn't realize there was a curse on their treasure (or something). and then right before they caught them, the microwave goes off and the mummys cant eat the dudes because they're too busy eating uncle ben's rice? that was BRILLIANT. and then the mummy goes "warms my bones!". Holy shit. brilliant, best commercial ever. Then i got some rice bowls and they sucked, and i was like "what the hell, the mummy was dead for a millenia or so, and he still loved this!!!" but then i realized i didnt get the uncle ben kind! so i have to do that now. I'll buy anything supported by the undead. mummies, zombies, ESPECIALLY dracula. not vampires in general though... like sunglasses commericals with vampires. those were lame. But dracula is my hero. Like, they should put Dracula on V8 around this time of year for halloween promotion. that'd be brilliant... is it V8... or... perhaps... something else red? i'm sold. p.s. dracula was not judas.
Ground rules for christmoses.blogger.com.
1. I wont talk about what i did today, unless it's got something happening in it that's amazing, like meeting skeletor and ac slater. 2. i will talk about white castle. a lot. i think thats it. |
